When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake...

Its 12.13am. Can't sleep. Typed out a lil post yesterday but wasn't too bothered to put it up yet.
Anyways, here it is.


21/10/05

Had another weird dream last nite. Its becoming more and more frequent...
Thing is, I can't remember the dream exactly, I can just.. well, sort of feel things...
You know how sometimes, without seeing, hearing, or touching someone, you can almost tell who that person is? It was kind of like that.
But even though I felt familiarity, there was also something else there
(Feelings are hard to describe, as I'm sure everyone knows)
It was a sense of hopelessness, as if I'd lost the will to somehow connect myself to that feeling of familiarity.
And then I felt... someone.
This part gets fuzzy. Why? Because I can't explain how i felt. And because I can't remember. I would elaborate more, but its proving too labourous, and I gotta get back to studying.

Cheerio


22/10/05, 23/10/05

Emo rantings and one sided conversations

Sleep is good. Insomnia is bad. My brain is fried. Exams suck.
So many things on my mind, besides the exams. My mind is a mess.
I wish I could organise myself. Or even part of myself.
Feeling so incomplete. So useless. So... lost...

But these are just feelings. I shrug them off. Back to the books.
You know what, screw the books. I have no passion to study. Not right now anyway. I don't even know what I'm doing.

I think I need therapy.

Whats wrong with me?
I don't know, maybe we should ask someone else?
I'm pretty sure I can handle my own feelings by myself..
Fair enough, just don't emotionally scar yourself or anything
You know I won't
Really?
Well...
Yeah, remember that time... what was it about then.. 'love'? Yeah, it was that, wasn't it?
I think so... I can't remember
Don't lie to me, you can't lie to your own subconcious mind, you idiot
Be quiet, you're being irritating... like...
Like what? huh?
Like an..an anal wart
... Ouch...
Sorry
Don't worry I've had worse insults thrown at me
Really? Who else would insult you?
I wouldn't really say 'who', but a part of a 'who'... other parts of your whacked up psyche that is
Right...
Oh where were we? Love! Thats right!
Yeah. So what about it?

Its amazing what one can churn out of ones mind at this time of night/morning.
So. Love. The only thing in the world that is impossible to define. Impossible for me anyway.

Y'know, I remember as a 14 year old, how confused I used to be about 'love'.
I mean, I used to like this girl. Was that love? Heck, I don't know.
Then I liked this other girl. Was that love too? Not a clue.
And then another. And another. Hormones got the better of me.
But I was too young to realise it. I was brash and foolish. I couldn't help it.
I always used to think, that maybe if you 'loved' someone so much that they'd love you back. Or if you prefer the term, 'like', instead of 'love'.
But of course that would turn out to be quite untrue. I won't go into the details. You have to find out for yourself.
But, consequently, you could say I've been... skeptical of 'love'.
I mean, yeah sure, if 2 people are in love with each other, then thats great, I'm sure its the bestest best best thing to have.
But I don't even know what it is. How am I to experience it?
Do I even have to know what love is to experience it?
Some may say yes, some may say no. Some may just look at what I've written and worry for my sanity.
But there is no right, and no wrong, just popular opinion.

I'm going to have to leave it there. Maybe I can sleep now. This blog seems to be therapeutical in nature. However, still too many questions and too few answers.

You're insane...
NO, YOU ARE!
- Conversation between Tyler Durden, and the narrator, from Fight Club. They are both one and the same person.

*N.B. I've written the blog to be like it should be, raw, random, and direct. It may sound crazy, and somewhat weird to some, but I can assure you, I'm not suicidal/insane/bipolar/schizophrenic/diagnosed with any mental illness. Exept for stupidity, if it were deemed a mental illness that is.